Inlove with a psycho

After a long time of being single l had finally met someone that l loved and l already saw the future, our future! In all this, how could l have noticed what he was doing to me? How had l gotten myself to the stage where l was scared of my own shadow? I am left all alone with only bitterness in me. Will l ever be well again? Will l be normal after this? The funny or rather scary thing is that despite everything, l still love him.

I thought this was what love was supposed to be like. He would come to pick me up after work every day and walk me to where l got my bus home. There was no day he would not do this! For five consecutive days during the week he would be consistent with his routine and on Saturdays we would go out. He had no friends, so it was just him and I. I didn’t see anything wrong with that. He loved me and l was his everything…..

He allowed me to go to church in the beginning and after some time he started saying he didn’t like the fact that l was going to church and meeting people. l brushed it aside but he kept on with the idea of me not going to church to the point where I actually conceded and stopped going to church. Little did I know that his demands had only just begun….

Telling him that l was at a relative’s place would result in me being blocked on all communication channels with him. l would hide my caller ID, text and call begging to be unblocked. l was then told l was no longer allowed to visit any relative or friends and that the moment l so much as thought of defying that directive I would as well forget about him! Being the person I was, l stopped visiting anyone, friends, colleagues and even relatives….. My routine was as monotonous as God knows what! From home to work and from work back home. In all this, the only person l would see besides my my work mates was him!

Who will you be talking to on WhatsApp so late in the evening who is not me and why? These were his questions. He kept asking me until he made it clear that I was to go offline the minute he went to unless there was someone more special than him that l needed to talk to. There I was being barred from communicating with those very people I was not allowed to visit! I watched my social life go down the drain. I somehow thought he knew what was best for me, for us….

I started choking on that weird lifestyle. l had no one to talk to. l had no means of reaching out to them because he made it known to me that I was under surveillance. It felt like one of those dreams where you scream but your voice gets stuck on your throat. My life had turned into one big nightmare I just wanted to snap out of! Before all this, l was a very happy person who was very outgoing. l loved clubbing and drinking. I had just been turned into someone I was clearly the opposite of.

Speaking of drinking, he had also made me choose between him and alcohol. “If drinking gives you happiness, then what do l give you?” he had asked.  “If l am your happiness then l should be all that you need in this life,” were his follow up words.

I told myself that he was not violent but his anger sometimes took control of him. His anger was justified every time he raised his hand on me. l would have provoked him in some sort of way. l vividly remember the day l went over to his place to surprise him on his birthday. l didn’t tell him l was leaving the house and yet we had agreed that l must not leave our house without telling him. So, for not telling him or rather for ‘lying to him’ as he rightly pointed out, he got angry and he gave me a few slaps. Yes, I did get slapped for ‘sneaking up on him’…..

He often took away my phone and would return it after a week or so just to make sure no one was calling or talking to me. Thinking of it now, he had people following me around because every time l thought of disobeying his rules or go against what we would have agreed on, he somehow found out about it and it always got me into trouble. l would sneak out to the bar and messages would start flooding my phone even before my second beer. It would be him cursing, insulting me and reminding me of the consequences of my actions. I had no choice but to just obey my ‘master’ hence stopping the bar trips completely.

The last straw was pulled when he asked me to quit my job. How could he ask me to let go of the only thing that made sense to me? I knew right away that agreeing to his order was my ticket to the psychiatric unit. l could not take it anymore. l loved him but my job was the only thing that gave me strength to wake up every day and look forward to life. Quitting was like committing suicide. It kept me sane for heavens’ sake! That was it! l told him l could not quit my job. Why was it always him making demands? My voice was not heard in the relationship! It was always about him and what he wanted and never about me or what l wanted!

He indicated that this was the end of the road for us. I concurred. I was tired! Now l am wondering all alone if I will ever be the same Lance who had all that life in him. l had lost all the zeal to live, where will l start to pick up the remains of my life? Why didn’t l break free earlier? I know why. I kept telling myself that every relationship was like ours but never realised that some people were enjoying theirs….

He was not who I thought he was

Where had l gotten it wrong? Had my years of experience in this community failed me ? l was certain l knew everything about lifestyle and sexuality but certainly not in this case, or maybe l just didn’t use my experience but my lust for this guy had taken the best of my judgement . Why was l even trying to put a person in a box?

I entered his room for the first time and l was left amazed! It was all white with a lot of detail. l tell you it was more dramatic that mine. There were lots of white fur rugs, white and grey cushions for both the bed and the lovely white couch which was placed right next to the chest of drawers. There were nice vases with fresh flowers. His curtains were beautiful to the point l asked where he got them. l mean my thought was which straight guy would be so particular about his room? You don’t expect the mother to have hired an interior deco to do all these things for him.

His fashion sense was just not common because he was more of a feminine dresser. l don’t even know what that really means but he liked light colours and floral shirts and shades were a necessity and he always carried a hand bag! Yes! A hand bag! Where in the world have you seen guys holding hand bags unless they were married? l for one would like to think that l am very modern and open minded but to a certain extent you can’t blame me for thinking this guy is gay. l have been in the community for years if not decades and I definitely know how my community dresses.“

Hie. Can we do dinner? “ was his text. I had told him to surprise me. l was right! Not only was he gay but also into me! Well, he took me to this high esteemed fancy restaurant, but how did he know of this place? Typically, its only ladies who know stuff like which restaurants are cosy and romantic, But wait a minute, gay men also have a thing for such places. The music was just perfect and me being a lover of afro jazz made it prefect!

The red wine was a highlight of the night. He picked the best which he said was his favourite. Well, l knew little or nothing about wines. l have always been the beer type of a guy. We talked about so much and loads of nothing. We actually had lots in common. He loved the movies “Sisters” and “The bold type.” Well, let me give you a heads up if you have not watched them. They are both so feminine kind of movies. There was nothing much that we talked about on current affairs as we both hated news but we talked about his favourite subject which is fashion and boy was he well informed about it!?

l had known this guy for a year now and he stays in the same building with me but we had not really talked. He was a very reserved person and it was just in the previous week that we had started talking more. In fact, l had intentionally started talking to him because l was crushing on him. This was after  l had seen him shirtless on the balcony and here we were having dinner. l would have sworn the stars were smiling at me. 

He asked the cab driver to drop us a few streets away from our residence so we could walk all the way. He was holding my hand along the way and it was really comforting. l felt so close to him but then again, he was the shy type and was never going to take the first step. I then decided I would break the silence and address the elephant in the room. “l am gay, “ l said. I don’t remember much from then on but I felt drop out of his as he swore three times, saying the F word! l immediately knew fifty shades of grey had gone sour. But I thought he knew! Was it not the reason he had taken me out for dinner? As I stood there having in a medley of emotions, I heard him say,” Nigga don’t get it twisted. l have no problem with homosexuals but l am super straight! l like girls with boobs and pussies and all this was just me trying to make friends with you and nothing else! “ Sigh!

I had just made a mistake? He is straight!? He doesn’t like guys? But why did he treat me the way he did? Why was his room so organised and why did he dress like a gay man? Was l stereotyping right then? Who said straight guys couldn’t have dinner with other guys? It was just eating food after all!

Coming out

The right time to come out

When is the right time?
Is it that moment when your father has been promoted to director of an organisation?
or it’s the moment that the whole nation is in a happy mood lets say on independence or when the have won the Africa cup of nations?
I waited for the right time. l kept telling myself l just need the right moment to come out. l knew one day l would have to tell the truth to my family but the right time never came, rather, the grapevine beat me to it. Before I knew it, it knocked on my family home door and destroyed everything there was.
I came home after church to find my mom in tears. What had happened? Who had died? l looked around and to my surprise, my dad was at home. Usually, around that time he is usually at soccer games. I summoned guts and asked “Why are you home dad?” and his response shocked me, “Tingachafambira kupi? (Where are we now supposed to socialize?)”
From that moment, a strong feeling just hit me. It must be all out but l convinced myself that it was not possible that they had come to know.
I had been asked before what would you do when your parents come to know that you are gay? I often replied “I will cross that bridge when l get there“ l guess this was the moment l had to cross that bridge. What l had been scared of half of my life had now come to reality. I had imagined this moment ,I had planned it using all scenarios I would think of but to be honest in all the scenarios l had in mind l would not see the ray of light.

My mom didn’t want to waste her time beating around the bush she asked me directly and l knew it was that moment to confess l didn’t deny it either but this was not how l had planned it and definitely all the notes l had, had vanished , she threw herself on the sofa and continued crying. A bag was thrown in my face by my little brother all l heard was “Get out! Never return here and forget you had a family”
What had they heard? Who told them? How many people knew ? How did they tell them? Why were they so angry? l guess nothing favoured me this day. l wasn’t given a chance to explain myself neither did they tell me what they had heard. All l did was walk away with questions and questions.
If I hadn’t wait for the so called right time wouldn’t the events be different? I could have explained it to my family in a manner they understood or that they would have not been so upset if l told them myself rather than finding it the way they did..

How l got here

Did l have an option? Was there really another way out? Could l have survived? Did l even choose to end up in this place? Was l even enjoying this to begin with? l ask myself all these questions because people keep on judging me. “You should have done this. You should have done that. You like easy stuff, that’s why you are in this place right now,” they say.

Chased from home by my parents after finding out l was gay, l literally had nowhere to go. Well, some will ask why I didn’t go to one of my relatives. Of course l thought of it but who would take me in after hearing why l was chased away from home? True, there are some people who are open minded who would let me stay with them, but for how long would they be able to keep me? A day? Two? A month? Then what?

So, l called the one person who came to mind. The one l thought would come to my rescue. Oh yes you guessed right, “my boyfriend.” I would like to call this a wrong turn. Though he is not entirely to blame for all this, he also had no option, he stayed with his parents and was a student, so how could he bring an extra burden home? Besides, he couldn’t just rock up with me and say, “Mom, this is my wife. She is moving in with me!” That would have been the day! It would definitely render both of us homeless, making the problem bigger than it already was so he did what he thought was a solution to my predicament….

There we were in his friend’s house. I’ll call him Black because he remains the darkest person I have seen all my life. Well, it was just one room too small for my liking but I was not in a place to want a presidential suite given my situation. They had already discussed the issue over the phone so this was just him showing me where l was about to stay for some time while he organised something for me. At that time, he was the one with functional brains. l was just one confused human being wondering what was going to happen. What next? The worst had happened, or so I thought. Was there anything left? Truth be told, taking my life at this point seemed to make a whole lot of sense and I still wonder why I did not take that route.

For the first two days, l would sleep my problems away, wake up, bath and go back to sleep. Pretty monotonous but there was nothing else to do. No entertainment of any sort! Not that l needed it anyway! Sleeping was enough entertainment seeing as the owner of the room would be at work all day long and the place just the right one for my mood. Quiet and serene! l had no appetite so there was no need for me to cook during the day. Just sleep and more sleep…

I guess by the third day l had over spent my welcome. In the middle of the night, what they call the time of the devil, l felt like someone was touching me and indeed someone was touching me! It was the owner of that room! l jumped out of bed! I stood there, a multitude of questions racing in my head. What was going on? He was supposed to be my boyfriend’s friend and friends don’t betray each other! I was obviously naïve and still had a lot to learn. He gave me two options. I either had to leave that minute or l could stay and ‘enjoy’ paying my rent in kind. One may as well guess which option I settled for. It’s not like I had a choice anyway.

This would be the beginning of a series of sexual violations against me.
The situation got worse. That room owner started bringing in his friends so we could have sex orgies as trios or even more. “The more the merrier,” he would say. l looked for ways to leave. It was not fun anymore. It was never fun to begin with. l looked myself in the mirror and saw my innocence vanish every single day. l was no longer the same. Life had taken the better of me. I looked for a job and kept telling myself to just apply for any advertised vacancy but as if all odds were against me, I either got no response or was blatantly turned down. What did l expect when even well-read people with masters’ degrees are jobless? Unemployment is a reality and finding a job with an unfinished A level record would just be as miraculous as it is impossible!
One faithful day as I choose to call it, one of Black’s friends came in the afternoon while he was at work. This was unusual as they always came together. As had become the norm, he started doing what they always do with his friend but this time l found my voice and said, “No!” That was before he said would pay me well. I was a bit skeptical at first but then again l could with a little cash. l had needs! I gladly accepted his offer and boy did he pay me heftily!? l suddenly had an epiphany! Why hadn’t I thought of it all this time? l had a free venue and Black had provided me with clientele! l would be able to raise money, write my A’level exams, pass and get a scholarship to go to university!
Oh well, we are all allowed to dream aren’t we? Apparently all I wished for were just dreams. I guess life doesn’t always work the way we hope it does. A few months down the road l was staying alone, paying my own rent, and affording my own meals. l had become a full time sex worker. This was the place l was at. This is as far as life has taken me.

How l got here

Did l have an option? Was there really another way out? Could l have survived? Did l even choose to end up in this place? Was l even enjoying this to begin with? l ask myself all these questions because people keep on judging me. “You should have done this. You should have done that. You like easy stuff, that’s why you are in this place right now,” they say.
Chased from home by my parents after finding out l was gay, l literally had nowhere to go. Well, some will ask why I didn’t go to one of my relatives. Of course l thought of it but who would take me in after hearing why l was chased away from home? True, there are some people who are open minded who would let me stay with them, but for how long would they be able to keep me? A day? Two? A month? Then what?
So, l called the one person who came to mind. The one l thought would come to my rescue. Oh yes you guessed right, “my boyfriend.” I would like to call this a wrong turn. Though he is not entirely to blame for all this, he also had no option, he stayed with his parents and was a student, so how could he bring an extra burden home? Besides, he couldn’t just rock up with me and say, “Mom, this is my wife. She is moving in with me!” That would have been the day! It would definitely render both of us homeless, making the problem bigger than it already was so he did what he thought was a solution to my predicament….
There we were in his friend’s house. I’ll call him Black because he remains the darkest person I have seen all my life. Well, it was just one room too small for my liking but I was not in a place to want a presidential suite given my situation. They had already discussed the issue over the phone so this was just him showing me where l was about to stay for some time while he organised something for me. At that time, he was the one with functional brains. l was just one confused human being wondering what was going to happen. What next? The worst had happened, or so I thought. Was there anything left? Truth be told, taking my life at this point seemed to make a whole lot of sense and I still wonder why I did not take that route.
For the first two days, l would sleep my problems away, wake up, bath and go back to sleep. Pretty monotonous but there was nothing else to do. No entertainment of any sort! Not that l needed it anyway! Sleeping was enough entertainment seeing as the owner of the room would be at work all day long and the place just the right one for my mood. Quiet and serene! l had no appetite so there was no need for me to cook during the day. Just sleep and more sleep…
I guess by the third day l had over spent my welcome. In the middle of the night, what they call the time of the devil, l felt like someone was touching me and indeed someone was touching me! It was the owner of that room! l jumped out of bed! I stood there, a multitude of questions racing in my head. What was going on? He was supposed to be my boyfriend’s friend and friends don’t betray each other! I was obviously naïve and still had a lot to learn. He gave me two options. I either had to leave that minute or l could stay and ‘enjoy’ paying my rent in kind. One may as well guess which option I settled for. It’s not like I had a choice anyway. This would be the beginning of a series of sexual violations against me.
The situation got worse. That room owner started bringing in his friends so we could have sex orgies as trios or even more. “The more the merrier,” he would say. l looked for ways to leave. It was not fun anymore. It was never fun to begin with. l looked myself in the mirror and saw my innocence vanish every single day. l was no longer the same. Life had taken the better of me. I looked for a job and kept telling myself to just apply for any advertised vacancy but as if all odds were against me, I either got no response or was blatantly turned down. What did l expect when even well-read people with masters’ degrees are jobless? Unemployment is a reality and finding a job with an unfinished A level record would just be as miraculous as it is impossible!
One faithful day as I choose to call it, one of Black’s friends came in the afternoon while he was at work. This was unusual as they always came together. As had become the norm, he started doing what they always do with his friend but this time l found my voice and said, “No!” That was before he said would pay me well. I was a bit skeptical at first but then again l could with a little cash. l had needs! I gladly accepted his offer and boy did he pay me heftily!? l suddenly had an epiphany! Why hadn’t I thought of it all this time? l had a free venue and Black had provided me with clientele! l would be able to raise money, write my A’level exams, pass and get a scholarship to go to university!
Oh well, we are all allowed to dream aren’t we? Apparently all I wished for were just dreams. I guess life doesn’t always work the way we hope it does. A few months down the road l was staying alone, paying my own rent, and affording my own meals. l had become a full time sex worker. This was the place l was at. This is as far as life has taken me.

Coming out

The right time to come out

When is the right time?
Is it that moment when your father has been promoted to director of an organisation?
or it’s the moment that the whole nation is in a happy mood lets say on independence or when the have won the Africa cup of nations?
I waited for the right time. l kept telling myself l just need the right moment to come out. l knew one day l would have to tell the truth to my family but the right time never came, rather, the grapevine beat me to it. Before I knew it, it knocked on my family home door and destroyed everything there was.
I came home after church to find my mom in tears. What had happened? Who had died? l looked around and to my surprise, my dad was at home. Usually, around that time he is usually at soccer games. I summoned guts and asked “Why are you home dad?” and his response shocked me, “Tingachafambira kupi? (Where are we now supposed to socialize?)”
From that moment, a strong feeling just hit me. It must be all out but l convinced myself that it was not possible that they had come to know.
I had been asked before what would you do when your parents come to know that you are gay? I often replied “I will cross that bridge when l get there“ l guess this was the moment l had to cross that bridge. What l had been scared of half of my life had now come to reality. I had imagined this moment ,I had planned it using all scenarios I would think of but to be honest in all the scenarios l had in mind l would not see the ray of light.

My mom didn’t want to waste her time beating around the bush she asked me directly and l knew it was that moment to confess l didn’t deny it either but this was not how l had planned it and definitely all the notes l had, had vanished , she threw herself on the sofa and continued crying. A bag was thrown in my face by my little brother all l heard was “Get out! Never return here and forget you had a family”
What had they heard? Who told them? How many people knew ? How did they tell them? Why were they so angry? l guess nothing favoured me this day. l wasn’t given a chance to explain myself neither did they tell me what they had heard. All l did was walk away with questions and questions.
If I hadn’t wait for the so called right time wouldn’t the events be different? I could have explained it to my family in a manner they understood or that they would have not been so upset if l told them myself rather than finding it the way they did..

My first time

In the midst of all the confusion, “Was l? Was l not? Could it be true? Was this only my feelings?
If l was really like this how was l to handle it? Whom was l to share it with? Where do l start?”

Boom! l met a guy on facebook. During these days there was this amazing unlimited texting with etxt which was in a way connected to your facebook, the conversation grew nice and nicer by the day told him how l felt and all I could think about and he was like you not alone l feel the same, so we arranged a meeting so we could talk in detail all we have been sharing..

Well being innocent as l was back then before life experiences changed me. l had imagined my first time either way with a girl or with a guy- l had designed it

A hotel room with ice white sheets well spread red rose petals, scented candles, a bottle of red wine, slow soft classic music, definitely a fairy tale the TV soapies design for all of us

But guess what, it was far from all the goodies l imagined. We had sceduled our meeting @10 in town.
l got delayed with house stuff l got to town around 12 he was already gone. He asked me to follow him to his place. Well, it was the only reason l had travelled 45 km so I had to go there!

He owned a small apartment but very nice for a bachelor. He offered me juice well l refused being shy and l that l could not take it he headed to his bedroom and asked me to follow like a robot given instruction l followed we looked at the laptop he showed me music videos and movies he had.

Before l knew it his hands where around me going up and down **** me l said “l was feeling very uncomfortable” and he “what should l do to make you comfortable”, he said this while his mouth coming close to me what happened happened in the next 15 minutes the deed had happened

Nothing like l had imagined nothing as l had planned. its funny how we take hours planning for a 15 minute event…

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