lifewithLance

A Helpless woman and a Violent men

At what point does self-respect tell you to move away, at what point does one say this is as far as l go in this relationship, when do you stand up for yourself against abuse? Or do we even get the idea that we are being abused or this is what our mothers have told us marriage is difficult it has its ups and downs but we should be strong and hold on? Wait is it we have too much hope that at some point a person will change and be better? Is it that abusers know exactly what to say so that one doesn’t leave so that you prove your abusers so wrong?

I go to bed early, 8 at most but at 2200hrs l woke up to the fight of a couple next door words were thrown around the room but l have never had such insensitive and demonizing words being thrown at a woman. What was the issue, the woman had said l can’t go to church with you today what the F is that an issue to fight with someone for. ” l will lock you out of my house next time you refuse to go to church with me l am the man of this house l am paying the rent and it’s my rules and decisions that stands in this house if you don’t like them leave my house” before l could make sense of it like is she a domesticated animal or what a very loud slap sound happened followed with the wife scream l swear l wanted to run break the door and enter
But knowing myself and knowing how much of a feminist l am l would have left them divorced if they were ever married this is the order of every other day the constant fights the insults but for this time around he has gone far ” l didn’t marry you because what’s worth marry here, why are you even staying in my house l told you long ago that l was no longer interested in you uchirikudei pano (what are you still doing here)” how cruel how inhuman are you who tells a person that are you playing on their helplessness of course yes because you just had to mention it” it runs in your family Noone is in marriage and very soon l will leave you and you will join your 3 sisters mune ma shavi ekusagara mumba (you have a spirit of not staying in marriages)

My faith was put to test, do l really want to associate myself with a religion that suppresses women and is the root cause of patriarchy.” The bible says l am the head of this house and you as my wife you are supposed to submit to me ,I am the first priest of this house so l should have the final word and you should respect that and me “ these are words l have had him repeatedly saying over the years l have been staying with next to them and l often wonder is this what their church has taught them that women are an object ,and l have asked myself do l want to be a Christian were the main book of Christianity has to be a weapon of oppression of women , I am believe in progression that the rights of women should be upheld in every circumstances .This Alpha male masculinity being paraded as the ways of the Lord l do not conform to such
I cried and l cried this is the same men you cook ,do laundry for this is the men you have worshiped you have even quieted your job for because he told you to do so but because once you have not followed him to church he has undressed you in front of people he doesn’t care what people will say when they look at you.
Is it the fear of not having a husband that makes you holds on to torture and abuse, is it the fear that you have a child who will marry me? Is it what will l eat if l leave him a home is built by too people you providing the house chores him providing the money but both of you play an equal important role in building a home but if one feels the house is his because of the money he money he brings then my question still remains at what point does self-respect tell you to walk out?. As a person watching what is my duty what do l have to do or do l become a spectator of abuse and violence against women.

Homophobia is real

I had been often told about the hate crimes against homosexuals that happen in this country but l chose to turn a blind eye to it. I thought people were exaggerating it and that these people were just gay and weak which is why they got attacked! Couln’t they defend themselves? Oh well, this was before it happened to me. But me being me, l still believe that if l were better prepared on that day l could have defended myself. l did not expect it to happen so fast.

Seated on a bus, l noticed a very hot guy boarding the bus at one of the stops. He caught my attention the minute he got onto the bus. As they nowadays, he was dripping! l had never seen a man with such natural beauty! He looked like the models we see on TV but still maintained an inexplicable natural feel. l looked him straight in the eyes as he walked by to find a seat at the back of the bus. He blinked in discomfort as I pierced through him with my eyes, admiring such work of Art by The Man Above. Or had he just winked at me!?

As we traveled, in my head l was busy arguing with myself but one thing was for sure, l needed his number or at least tell him that he was very handsome. But how was l to do that without him freaking out? l actually asked myself this question but then l don’t know what later clouded my judgment. Stupidity or just plain innocence l guess… 🤷🏾‍♂‍

I waited for him as we were disembarking from the bus. l greeted him and he responded nicely. His response was sweet enough awaken the silliness in me. ” l just wanted to tell you kuti wakanaka zvokuti (you are very handsome )”, I blurted. The nigga went from zero to one hundred in a split second. His response this time was nothing compared to his earlier one. In a dramatic loud voice, he screamed, “What the fuck? Unondiudza kuti ndakanaka ukundiona kunge ngochani here inini? (Why would you tell me l am handsome? Do you think l am gay?) Before l knew it, the crowds at market square rank had diverted their attention to us.

” Ingochani mupfanha uyu (this guy is gay)”, one of the men screamed from the crowds. Before l could even say a word, l started receiving slaps from everywhere. Everyone who got a chance to be close to me slapped me.

I started crying helplessly but clearly none of these men thought they were doing anything wrong. I was an outcast and needed to be taught a lesson! They didn’t pity me. My crying made them want to beat me some more! “Let’s burn him!” shouted one of the rank marshalls. l saw death knocking on my door. I smelt so much anger in these people. l could feel it from the beating they gave me.

Some blamed homosexuality for the prevailing droughts and bad economy. They believed it was God’s way of punishing them for letting homosexuals live freely. l guess everyone blames homosexuals for all their misfortunes…..

The police saved me from the angry mob. Yes the police! They came at the right time when l needed them the most. They were on patrol and had noticed the chaotic upsurge by market square. l know sometimes l say they are inefficient but I am grateful to them for they rescued me from the clutches of death. Blood was all over my face and I was bruised all over my body. l was in so much pain. They took me to the hospital for medical attention.

I have been suffering from post traumatic stress since then. But wait, what of those that are being beaten by their own families with the hopes of bringing them back to straightness? What of those that have no police to rescue them? The world has gotten so evil ..

A night at Mabhurugwa Court

It was that time to lighten the mood up as we had been quarantined for the longest of time. A friend had managed to move to a new place and we needed to celebrate it. Was this new place worth celebrating? Had he made the right decision moving to Gail court? Well according to me, this was the best decision because he had moved from Chitungwiza to the CBD.

Well, after he moved, I decided to enquire about the place. You’d be surprised by the stories l heard about the place but then you know how Africans tell stories right? l wouldn’t say they exaggerate but they tell stories with twists so l decided l wouldn’t believe those kinds of stories as they were not realistic. l believed people were being bitter about the place

The day of the house warming party finally came. l was very hesitant to attend it as I was about to discover the reality to compare it to all l’d heard about Mabhurugwa Court. Fear began to grow in me. l imagined being grabbed and being stabbed with a knife. The thought of it just gave me goose bumps. I decided not to go but then there is always that one friend of yours who calls you to such parties and makes you do things against your will so I unfortunately ended up going.

It was around 7 pm and most of the streets in town were empty except for the front gate of Mabhurugwa Court. It was still flooded with people with a lot of traffic going in and out. l was on the street opposite trying to check the activities that were taking place. Truth be told, l was looking out for potential murderers, so l called my friend to send someone to pick me up from across the street. He blatantly refused and l had no choice but to gather strength to walk into the court. I walked fast past the crowd right to my friend’s door. l swear that was the longest walk of my life! When l finally got into his house l was really relieved that l had dodged at attack.

Well, there were lots of people attending the house warming party but this is not my favourite part. l guess you all are thinking that this should have been great for me but no! It actually wasn’t! There is that part of me which is agorphobic but that’s a story for another day. The party wasn’t that bad but it had its set of dramas, again something l dowanna talk about right now.

So Mabhurugwa Court became a reality when some of the guys we were with went to check something in their car and were raided. Is that the term used when the police come and knock on your car and ask to search it? l guess if there is another term ld have to figure it out. The car was wiped clean. They were looking for God knows what! Maybe a skull. So upon finding nothing in the car, they asked why they were only males in the car. Before they could explain anything, the police had drawn their own conclusions. It was Mabhurugwa Court after all. “So who is the female here?’ one police officer asked. l guess the response he got was not that great so they were both arrested for being gay l guess. They managed to pay a spot fine (you know what l am talking about). They were later released and we had a good laugh about how crazy people were.

Even at 12 midnight, the place was still alive with movements in the corridor and voices of people talking. Most of the guys l was with had fallen asleep. Well, l couldn’t sleep actually. I hardly can sleep when I‘m not in my bed. l heard noises in the corridor and it was one “girl” fighting with a guy. The verbal exchange was lit. She needed her money for services rendered. We all grown-ups here, you know what l am talking about. Their voices were on top of the whole building as they screamed at each other until they got to the gate. The girl demanding payment for her services but apparently the guy had stopped responding to the screams. She didn’t get paid. Talk about abuse!

I managed to eventually fall asleep but that was not long before another fight broke out. This time around a girl’s things had been stolen by a client. She woke up the entire building telling them how the person was a soldier and how she was so going to report the case as she knew how the law worked. She kept on screaming how she would deal with him. The 50 shades of Grey had gone sour. Thank God she didn’t knock our door because at that time the police van had pulled over and arrested everyone who was outside. I’m just not sure what they were charged for but they were all forced into the van. l guess it was also the issue of the currently running curfew.

This was the order of the night. Did l sleep? The answer is a big fat NO! Fights continued throughout the entire night despite half of the Mabhurugwa Court tenants having been taken away by the police. It was not a pleasant night for me. l kept thinking it was going to be my last day on earth but before l knew it my alarm rang. It was morning and l was still alive………

The verdict is yours

Am l a terrible person? Was l that ungrateful? Did l deserve to be left out in the street? Was l the one who had caused all this? Or my crime was that l was outed before society and family? Was it so easy to blame it all on me since l was the gay guy in the house? Oooooh yes now l believe it that it’s easy to blame it all on someone. But what if it was fate? But then again my own destiny must be terrible. It all had to come out when l was now living there.

“I took you in when l knew the whole family was against you. How could l let you ruin your life staying in that horrible flat? You are still my brother’s child but is this how you repay me for my kindness?” That was my auntie shouting and throwing a fit. l had recently moved in with her and her family. In fact, I had bumped into her while standing on the touch line by fife Avenue and she had made me pack my bags and took me to her place. She promised to talk to my parents of course about how it was ok to accept me as l am.l was still their son after all. l guess its easy to accept someone’s homosexuality if they are not your own. Or maybe not. The idea of going back home made me forget that people don’t change overnight. This was the same auntie I knew since childhood. How could I forget that?

On this particular day she had walked in on my cousin (the older of her two sons) and I having…Well l see you all judging me right now thinking how I could possibly sleep with my own cousin. Trust me, l was the victim in all this. l might be gay but l have morals. l would not sleep with a relative. l am not that kind of a person but l had no choice in all this. I swear I did not.

Three days after l had moved into my aunt’s place l was sharing a room with my cousin this cousin in question. Guys take note here, he was older than me. He started asking all sorts of questions about being gay. l don’t think he is gay but he just wanted to know how it’s done. He was so hooked on these gay stories that he asked if what role I played during sex. l am the receiving partner and yes l did tell him that. That night during the night l felt his hands on my butt. l rushed to switch the lights on just to see what was going on. The nigga had a boner! Sorry guys but that’s where my attention went. Well explaining to him that l was his brother was apparently fruitless. He kept saying we weren’t blood related. I eventually gave in. Bullshit, l led him down there and truth be told it was nice. l promised myself it would never happen again but it became an every night thing. l swear l wanted to stop but the shit was too good to resist…

We were alone that day and auntie had left for the office. As it was, l was the new maid in the house. African relatives don’t just take you into their homes for free. You will need to do the dishes and all the house chores for food. l am not saying that was my case but l felt obliged. I was doing dishes in the kitchen when her son started the usual. I responded and it went down. We didn’t care to lock the doors. Well, how would we know that she would be back around 10 in the morning and walk right in on us.

Damn! Damn! She threw things around like a mad woma. Well she was mad woman but this was too much. Her anger was justified though. She brought a gay person into her house and he turned her straight son into being gay. l guess that story was more believable than any other. l had turned her straight son into being gay but did l actually turn her son or l am just a victim? How could I say no to the son of the person who gave me shelter? What kind of ingratitude would that be?

I didn’t wait for her to throw me right back into the streets. She went out to look for airtime in a state of outrage. l guess she wanted to call the husband or a friend. Il am very positive all they would advise her was to take me back where she found me. I made sure by the time she came back l had already left her house and back where she had taken me from…

I don’t know why l feel so much guilt over this. She gave me everything and the best. All l did in return was sleep with her son. What kind of a person am l? Who would want to live with me after this? My own parents threw me out of their house and the only person who still believed in me, oh well, l did the worst to her…Now what?

Inlove with a psycho

After a long time of being single l had finally met someone that l loved and l already saw the future, our future! In all this, how could l have noticed what he was doing to me? How had l gotten myself to the stage where l was scared of my own shadow? I am left all alone with only bitterness in me. Will l ever be well again? Will l be normal after this? The funny or rather scary thing is that despite everything, l still love him.

I thought this was what love was supposed to be like. He would come to pick me up after work every day and walk me to where l got my bus home. There was no day he would not do this! For five consecutive days during the week he would be consistent with his routine and on Saturdays we would go out. He had no friends, so it was just him and I. I didn’t see anything wrong with that. He loved me and l was his everything…..

He allowed me to go to church in the beginning and after some time he started saying he didn’t like the fact that l was going to church and meeting people. l brushed it aside but he kept on with the idea of me not going to church to the point where I actually conceded and stopped going to church. Little did I know that his demands had only just begun….

Telling him that l was at a relative’s place would result in me being blocked on all communication channels with him. l would hide my caller ID, text and call begging to be unblocked. l was then told l was no longer allowed to visit any relative or friends and that the moment l so much as thought of defying that directive I would as well forget about him! Being the person I was, l stopped visiting anyone, friends, colleagues and even relatives….. My routine was as monotonous as God knows what! From home to work and from work back home. In all this, the only person l would see besides my my work mates was him!

Who will you be talking to on WhatsApp so late in the evening who is not me and why? These were his questions. He kept asking me until he made it clear that I was to go offline the minute he went to unless there was someone more special than him that l needed to talk to. There I was being barred from communicating with those very people I was not allowed to visit! I watched my social life go down the drain. I somehow thought he knew what was best for me, for us….

I started choking on that weird lifestyle. l had no one to talk to. l had no means of reaching out to them because he made it known to me that I was under surveillance. It felt like one of those dreams where you scream but your voice gets stuck on your throat. My life had turned into one big nightmare I just wanted to snap out of! Before all this, l was a very happy person who was very outgoing. l loved clubbing and drinking. I had just been turned into someone I was clearly the opposite of.

Speaking of drinking, he had also made me choose between him and alcohol. “If drinking gives you happiness, then what do l give you?” he had asked. “If l am your happiness then l should be all that you need in this life,” were his follow up words.

I told myself that he was not violent but his anger sometimes took control of him. His anger was justified every time he raised his hand on me. l would have provoked him in some sort of way. l vividly remember the day l went over to his place to surprise him on his birthday. l didn’t tell him l was leaving the house and yet we had agreed that l must not leave our house without telling him. So, for not telling him or rather for ‘lying to him’ as he rightly pointed out, he got angry and he gave me a few slaps. Yes, I did get slapped for ‘sneaking up on him’…..

He often took away my phone and would return it after a week or so just to make sure no one was calling or talking to me. Thinking of it now, he had people following me around because every time l thought of disobeying his rules or go against what we would have agreed on, he somehow found out about it and it always got me into trouble. l would sneak out to the bar and messages would start flooding my phone even before my second beer. It would be him cursing, insulting me and reminding me of the consequences of my actions. I had no choice but to just obey my ‘master’ hence stopping the bar trips completely.

The last straw was pulled when he asked me to quit my job. How could he ask me to let go of the only thing that made sense to me? I knew right away that agreeing to his order was my ticket to the psychiatric unit. l could not take it anymore. l loved him but my job was the only thing that gave me strength to wake up every day and look forward to life. Quitting was like committing suicide. It kept me sane for heavens’ sake! That was it! l told him l could not quit my job. Why was it always him making demands? My voice was not heard in the relationship! It was always about him and what he wanted and never about me or what l wanted!

He indicated that this was the end of the road for us. I concurred. I was tired! Now l am wondering all alone if I will ever be the same Lance who had all that life in him. l had lost all the zeal to live, where will l start to pick up the remains of my life? Why didn’t l break free earlier? I know why. I kept telling myself that every relationship was like ours but never realised that some people were enjoying theirs….

He was not who I thought he was

Where had l gotten it wrong? Had my years of experience in this community failed me ? l was certain l knew everything about lifestyle and sexuality but certainly not in this case, or maybe l just didn’t use my experience but my lust for this guy had taken the best of my judgement . Why was l even trying to put a person in a box?

I entered his room for the first time and l was left amazed! It was all white with a lot of detail. l tell you it was more dramatic that mine. There were lots of white fur rugs, white and grey cushions for both the bed and the lovely white couch which was placed right next to the chest of drawers. There were nice vases with fresh flowers. His curtains were beautiful to the point l asked where he got them. l mean my thought was which straight guy would be so particular about his room? You don’t expect the mother to have hired an interior deco to do all these things for him.

His fashion sense was just not common because he was more of a feminine dresser. l don’t even know what that really means but he liked light colours and floral shirts and shades were a necessity and he always carried a hand bag! Yes! A hand bag! Where in the world have you seen guys holding hand bags unless they were married? l for one would like to think that l am very modern and open minded but to a certain extent you can’t blame me for thinking this guy is gay. l have been in the community for years if not decades and I definitely know how my community dresses.“

Hie. Can we do dinner? “ was his text. I had told him to surprise me. l was right! Not only was he gay but also into me! Well, he took me to this high esteemed fancy restaurant, but how did he know of this place? Typically, its only ladies who know stuff like which restaurants are cosy and romantic, But wait a minute, gay men also have a thing for such places. The music was just perfect and me being a lover of afro jazz made it prefect!

The red wine was a highlight of the night. He picked the best which he said was his favourite. Well, l knew little or nothing about wines. l have always been the beer type of a guy. We talked about so much and loads of nothing. We actually had lots in common. He loved the movies “Sisters” and “The bold type.” Well, let me give you a heads up if you have not watched them. They are both so feminine kind of movies. There was nothing much that we talked about on current affairs as we both hated news but we talked about his favourite subject which is fashion and boy was he well informed about it!?

l had known this guy for a year now and he stays in the same building with me but we had not really talked. He was a very reserved person and it was just in the previous week that we had started talking more. In fact, l had intentionally started talking to him because l was crushing on him. This was after l had seen him shirtless on the balcony and here we were having dinner. l would have sworn the stars were smiling at me.

He asked the cab driver to drop us a few streets away from our residence so we could walk all the way. He was holding my hand along the way and it was really comforting. l felt so close to him but then again, he was the shy type and was never going to take the first step. I then decided I would break the silence and address the elephant in the room. “l am gay, “ l said. I don’t remember much from then on but I felt drop out of his as he swore three times, saying the F word! l immediately knew fifty shades of grey had gone sour. But I thought he knew! Was it not the reason he had taken me out for dinner? As I stood there having in a medley of emotions, I heard him say,” Nigga don’t get it twisted. l have no problem with homosexuals but l am super straight! l like girls with boobs and pussies and all this was just me trying to make friends with you and nothing else! “ Sigh!

I had just made a mistake? He is straight!? He doesn’t like guys? But why did he treat me the way he did? Why was his room so organised and why did he dress like a gay man? Was l stereotyping right then? Who said straight guys couldn’t have dinner with other guys? It was just eating food after all!

Coming out

The right time to come out

When is the right time?
Is it that moment when your father has been promoted to director of an organisation?
or it’s the moment that the whole nation is in a happy mood lets say on independence or when the have won the Africa cup of nations?
I waited for the right time. l kept telling myself l just need the right moment to come out. l knew one day l would have to tell the truth to my family but the right time never came, rather, the grapevine beat me to it. Before I knew it, it knocked on my family home door and destroyed everything there was.
I came home after church to find my mom in tears. What had happened? Who had died? l looked around and to my surprise, my dad was at home. Usually, around that time he is usually at soccer games. I summoned guts and asked “Why are you home dad?” and his response shocked me, “Tingachafambira kupi? (Where are we now supposed to socialize?)”
From that moment, a strong feeling just hit me. It must be all out but l convinced myself that it was not possible that they had come to know.
I had been asked before what would you do when your parents come to know that you are gay? I often replied “I will cross that bridge when l get there“ l guess this was the moment l had to cross that bridge. What l had been scared of half of my life had now come to reality. I had imagined this moment ,I had planned it using all scenarios I would think of but to be honest in all the scenarios l had in mind l would not see the ray of light.

My mom didn’t want to waste her time beating around the bush she asked me directly and l knew it was that moment to confess l didn’t deny it either but this was not how l had planned it and definitely all the notes l had, had vanished , she threw herself on the sofa and continued crying. A bag was thrown in my face by my little brother all l heard was “Get out! Never return here and forget you had a family”
What had they heard? Who told them? How many people knew ? How did they tell them? Why were they so angry? l guess nothing favoured me this day. l wasn’t given a chance to explain myself neither did they tell me what they had heard. All l did was walk away with questions and questions.
If I hadn’t wait for the so called right time wouldn’t the events be different? I could have explained it to my family in a manner they understood or that they would have not been so upset if l told them myself rather than finding it the way they did..

How l got here

Chased from home by my parents after finding out l was gay, l literally had nowhere to go. Well, some will ask why I didn’t go to one of my relatives. Of course l thought of it but who would take me in after hearing why l was chased away from home? True, there are some people who are open minded who would let me stay with them, but for how long would they be able to keep me? A day? Two? A month? Then what?

So, l called the one person who came to mind. The one l thought would come to my rescue. Oh yes you guessed right, “my boyfriend.” I would like to call this a wrong turn. Though he is not entirely to blame for all this, he also had no option, he stayed with his parents and was a student, so how could he bring an extra burden home? Besides, he couldn’t just rock up with me and say, “Mom, this is my wife. She is moving in with me!” That would have been the day! It would definitely render both of us homeless, making the problem bigger than it already was so he did what he thought was a solution to my predicament….

There we were in his friend’s house. I’ll call him Black because he remains the darkest person I have seen all my life. Well, it was just one room too small for my liking but I was not in a place to want a presidential suite given my situation. They had already discussed the issue over the phone so this was just him showing me where l was about to stay for some time while he organised something for me. At that time, he was the one with functional brains. l was just one confused human being wondering what was going to happen. What next? The worst had happened, or so I thought. Was there anything left? Truth be told, taking my life at this point seemed to make a whole lot of sense and I still wonder why I did not take that route.

For the first two days, l would sleep my problems away, wake up, bath and go back to sleep. Pretty monotonous but there was nothing else to do. No entertainment of any sort! Not that l needed it anyway! Sleeping was enough entertainment seeing as the owner of the room would be at work all day long and the place just the right one for my mood. Quiet and serene! l had no appetite so there was no need for me to cook during the day. Just sleep and more sleep…

I guess by the third day l had over spent my welcome. In the middle of the night, what they call the time of the devil, l felt like someone was touching me and indeed someone was touching me! It was the owner of that room! l jumped out of bed! I stood there, a multitude of questions racing in my head. What was going on? He was supposed to be my boyfriend’s friend and friends don’t betray each other! I was obviously naïve and still had a lot to learn. He gave me two options. I either had to leave that minute or l could stay and ‘enjoy’ paying my rent in kind. One may as well guess which option I settled for. It’s not like I had a choice anyway.

This would be the beginning of a series of sexual violations against me.
The situation got worse. That room owner started bringing in his friends so we could have sex orgies as trios or even more. “The more the merrier,” he would say. l looked for ways to leave. It was not fun anymore. It was never fun to begin with. l looked myself in the mirror and saw my innocence vanish every single day. l was no longer the same. Life had taken the better of me. I looked for a job and kept telling myself to just apply for any advertised vacancy but as if all odds were against me, I either got no response or was blatantly turned down. What did l expect when even well-read people with masters’ degrees are jobless? Unemployment is a reality and finding a job with an unfinished A level record would just be as miraculous as it is impossible!
One faithful day as I choose to call it, one of Black’s friends came in the afternoon while he was at work. This was unusual as they always came together. As had become the norm, he started doing what they always do with his friend but this time l found my voice and said, “No!” That was before he said would pay me well. I was a bit skeptical at first but then again l could with a little cash. l had needs! I gladly accepted his offer and boy did he pay me heftily!? l suddenly had an epiphany! Why hadn’t I thought of it all this time? l had a free venue and Black had provided me with clientele! l would be able to raise money, write my A’level exams, pass and get a scholarship to go to university!
Oh well, we are all allowed to dream aren’t we? Apparently all I wished for were just dreams. I guess life doesn’t always work the way we hope it does. A few months down the road l was staying alone, paying my own rent, and affording my own meals. l had become a full time sex worker. This was the place l was at. This is as far as life has taken me.

How l got here

Did l have an option? Was there really another way out? Could l have survived? Did l even choose to end up in this place? Was l even enjoying this to begin with? l ask myself all these questions because people keep on judging me. “You should have done this. You should have done that. You like easy stuff, that’s why you are in this place right now,” they say.
Chased from home by my parents after finding out l was gay, l literally had nowhere to go. Well, some will ask why I didn’t go to one of my relatives. Of course l thought of it but who would take me in after hearing why l was chased away from home? True, there are some people who are open minded who would let me stay with them, but for how long would they be able to keep me? A day? Two? A month? Then what?
So, l called the one person who came to mind. The one l thought would come to my rescue. Oh yes you guessed right, “my boyfriend.” I would like to call this a wrong turn. Though he is not entirely to blame for all this, he also had no option, he stayed with his parents and was a student, so how could he bring an extra burden home? Besides, he couldn’t just rock up with me and say, “Mom, this is my wife. She is moving in with me!” That would have been the day! It would definitely render both of us homeless, making the problem bigger than it already was so he did what he thought was a solution to my predicament….
There we were in his friend’s house. I’ll call him Black because he remains the darkest person I have seen all my life. Well, it was just one room too small for my liking but I was not in a place to want a presidential suite given my situation. They had already discussed the issue over the phone so this was just him showing me where l was about to stay for some time while he organised something for me. At that time, he was the one with functional brains. l was just one confused human being wondering what was going to happen. What next? The worst had happened, or so I thought. Was there anything left? Truth be told, taking my life at this point seemed to make a whole lot of sense and I still wonder why I did not take that route.
For the first two days, l would sleep my problems away, wake up, bath and go back to sleep. Pretty monotonous but there was nothing else to do. No entertainment of any sort! Not that l needed it anyway! Sleeping was enough entertainment seeing as the owner of the room would be at work all day long and the place just the right one for my mood. Quiet and serene! l had no appetite so there was no need for me to cook during the day. Just sleep and more sleep…
I guess by the third day l had over spent my welcome. In the middle of the night, what they call the time of the devil, l felt like someone was touching me and indeed someone was touching me! It was the owner of that room! l jumped out of bed! I stood there, a multitude of questions racing in my head. What was going on? He was supposed to be my boyfriend’s friend and friends don’t betray each other! I was obviously naïve and still had a lot to learn. He gave me two options. I either had to leave that minute or l could stay and ‘enjoy’ paying my rent in kind. One may as well guess which option I settled for. It’s not like I had a choice anyway. This would be the beginning of a series of sexual violations against me.
The situation got worse. That room owner started bringing in his friends so we could have sex orgies as trios or even more. “The more the merrier,” he would say. l looked for ways to leave. It was not fun anymore. It was never fun to begin with. l looked myself in the mirror and saw my innocence vanish every single day. l was no longer the same. Life had taken the better of me. I looked for a job and kept telling myself to just apply for any advertised vacancy but as if all odds were against me, I either got no response or was blatantly turned down. What did l expect when even well-read people with masters’ degrees are jobless? Unemployment is a reality and finding a job with an unfinished A level record would just be as miraculous as it is impossible!
One faithful day as I choose to call it, one of Black’s friends came in the afternoon while he was at work. This was unusual as they always came together. As had become the norm, he started doing what they always do with his friend but this time l found my voice and said, “No!” That was before he said would pay me well. I was a bit skeptical at first but then again l could with a little cash. l had needs! I gladly accepted his offer and boy did he pay me heftily!? l suddenly had an epiphany! Why hadn’t I thought of it all this time? l had a free venue and Black had provided me with clientele! l would be able to raise money, write my A’level exams, pass and get a scholarship to go to university!
Oh well, we are all allowed to dream aren’t we? Apparently all I wished for were just dreams. I guess life doesn’t always work the way we hope it does. A few months down the road l was staying alone, paying my own rent, and affording my own meals. l had become a full time sex worker. This was the place l was at. This is as far as life has taken me.

Coming out

The right time to come out